Alien: Covenant

Imagine sitting through an entire movie waiting for something good to happen….but it never does. Every bad thing that could go wrong, does. You’re waiting and waiting, hoping and praying that you will have something to excite you…but it never does. The constant negativity in Alien: Covenant is so exhausting I am destine to take a depression nap and rethink my decision on seeing it for the sake of a review.

This was one of those movies where going in, my hopes were extremely low. There were pretty much no expectations, especially good ones. This movie, shockingly, gave me a glimmer of hope in the beginning. The hope was quickly ripped away and I had the same disappointing feeling as a child getting the news that Santa wasn’t real. It all quickly and suddenly went down hill.

The only good thing AC did was teasing us in the very beginning. In that time only, it did a fabulous job at creating fear and anxiety from the start. I could actually feel the pure terror the characters felt in the first scene. I was caught off guard when the captain was trapped in his little coma pod. The deafening sound effects of the space ship being torn apart made it hard to focus on the dying captain.

One thing I always hate about scary movies is how stupid all of the characters are. AC did not stray far from it’s horror-scifi-thriller guide lines. You want me to believe that these characters were trained to survive on unknown planets and right off the bat make decisions based on emotion? The colonizers immediately decide to land on a planet they had no idea ever existed with no reason what so ever besides, “they have faith“.

Again, AC does a wonderful job at creating concert level white noise. The team decides to land on this unknown planet, fighting through multiple tornado/hurricane type whether. This scene did an excellent job at making me wish for the group to escape the rocky weather and  land safely. Sadly, after the surprisingly safe land it simultaneously becomes the beginning of the quick, downward slope

The group lands and losses signal with the other characters left on the ship. They all split up and explore the planet, what could possibly go wrong? The earth like planet has nothing but Edward Scissorhand like vibes. I wasn’t asking myself if anyone was going to die but when people were going to die. The rocket scientists completely forget that they should be wary of the alien planet and start poking around, just like in the other Alien movies. Curiosity kills the cat and all of the characters in AC. It’s weird, it’s almost like this movie hired actors instead of actual rocket scientist to play these very forgettable characters.

One by one, people start dying like crazy. There’s death, explosions, bad weather. It was a literal shit storm. At this point in the movie I had no faith that any of the characters were going to survive. I got bored from this point on….. until the weirdest plot twist. The robot mans brother asks him to play the recorder? Yes. There is an entirely random scene were the two robot butler brothers play one recorder together! It was like a bizarre scene from Ghost. “You blow, I’ll do the fingering”... You could hear every grown adult chuckle in the audience. I’m not at all sure what this scene was trying to do but it didn’t flow with the rest of the other depressing tones of the movie at all.

Fifteen deaths later (not an exact quote, but close enough) and there are two random characters left who I care nothing about what so ever. At one point in the movie my boyfriend leaned over and whispered, “it’s almost over“, to which we both replied with our fingers crossed. I don’t want to spoil the whole movie for anyone but this is not a happy ending. If this was a good movie I would have left the theater feeling glad that I had seen it…this was not a good movie. I left the theater instead, feeling exhausted, tired, and robbed. Please god, give me back the two hours and twenty minutes of my life I wasted on such clumps of death. Save yourself from seeing this and just imagine Apocalypto…. in space. Or imagine Final Destination…in space. Or imagine that weird scene from the first Chronicles of Narnia where Mr. Tumnus plays the pan flute to Lucy. Either way, you wont be missing anything from Alien: Covenant.

 

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